A Lifelong Dream

I’ve always known I wanted kids. I could never quite explain it—it was just something I felt deeply and never questioned. One of my first words was “baby,” and there are countless childhood photos of me happily holding other people’s babies. It seems I knew what I wanted before I even understood it.

Waiting for the Right Time

Over the years, I babysat whenever I could—mostly for free—simply because I loved it. I spent much of my early twenties waiting for the age when it would finally be “socially acceptable” to have children. And now, in my late twenties it feels like that time has come.I’ve only been married for about six months, but I brought up the topic of kids on our second date. I know that might sound taboo or too forward, but I couldn’t risk not asking early on.

When the Dream Becomes Real

Now that the idea is starting to feel more real, I’ve realized how little I actually know—not just about babies, but about pregnancy and raising a child in general. And before I even begin to learn those things, I have to confront something even bigger: I need to reimagine what pregnancy and motherhood would look like—not back home in Hawaiʻi, but here, in Japan.

What I Imagined vs. What’s Real

Whenever I imagined myself having kids, it was always back home. I saw myself surrounded by family and friends, celebrating a baby shower, setting up a nursery in a house with a yard, and feeling grounded in a place I knew. And even though I’ve now lived in Japan for almost a decade, I never updated that vision.

Fears I Didn’t Expect

Facing what pregnancy and motherhood might be like in a foreign country is, honestly, terrifying. Maybe that’s why it’s taken me this long to even begin imagining it. There are so many things I never had to think about before that now feel like huge unknowns. I don’t know how to choose a reputable doctor. I don’t know what the cultural expectations are around giving birth here. My family isn’t close by. Even the smaller, more practical things feel daunting—like living in a Tokyo-sized apartment where the nursery I imagined will likely have to share space with the office.

And then there’s my relationship with my body. Like so many women, I’ve struggled with body image for most of my life. I was a gymnast for years and was always very slim. That shaped the way I saw myself, and since then I’ve worked hard not to gain weight, because somewhere along the way I internalized the message that skinny is best. That feeling didn’t ease when I moved to Japan. I quickly realized that my “normal” weight wasn’t considered slim here at all. Ironically, when I go back to Hawaiʻi, my family worries that I look too skinny. It feels vain to admit this, but I’m afraid of how my body will change. I know pregnancy isn’t about aesthetics, and I deeply want this, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about the physical changes ahead.

The Doubts That Follow

And then, there’s the most haunting question of all: what if I’m not a good parent? But maybe that’s a topic for another time.

I’ve waited for this stage of life for as long as I can remember. It should feel like one of the happiest times—but instead, what I feel most is fear. Still, I want to give myself the space to be honest about that. I hope I can use this space as an outlet to share my fears, my learnings, and the journey ahead—wherever it may lead.

Looking Ahead: A New Kind of Journey

In the coming months, I plan to share more about what it’s like navigating pregnancy and motherhood as a foreigner in Japan — from cultural differences and personal experiences to practical tips and step-by-step procedures. I hope this series can be both a resource and a source of comfort for others walking a similar path.